Oct. 3, 2008
Bereavement: May father have a peaceful journey to the World of Extreme Happiness
Father passed away. Although I have been preparing for this moment for the past three years, I found the fact difficult to accept when it actually happened. I cried when holding father's cold hands, but had to calm down and deal with the ensuing procedures.
I am grateful for the Dharma brothers and sisters from the Tzu Chi Foundation. They organized a large Buddha recitation group that came early in the morning to help our family carry out the transference of merits to father. After father's siblings arrived in the hospital, we put his body in an ice locker.
Oct. 4, 2008
I could not sleep tonight
I could hardly sleep tonight. I woke up at 5am, about the hour father passed away yesterday.
I thought about many things today. I don't want father to go, but no loss, no gain. Death may be a good thing to father. At least he is now spared of the pain brought by diseases.
Father, I have many things to say to you, but no longer have a chance to talk to you. This is how life is. Once an opportunity is gone, it is gone forever. I truly understand what the proverb "A son desires to serve his parents, but they do not wait." It means now. [* from the Chinese classic The Outer Commentary to the Book of Songs by Master Han]
Oct. 5, 2008
Are the duck legs delicious?
Father, are the duck legs we prepared for you today delicious? You could not enjoy "big meals" for three years. Now you are no longer tortured by diseases and can enjoy the food you like.
I was in a great hurry yesterday and did not notice that the food we prepared for you was all vegetarian. That's why you did not like it. I remember when we went baibai in temples in the past, you had a hard time because of the vegetarian food. Your taste remains the same.
Now all your pain is gone. Do tell us what you want to eat—food that you haven't eaten for a long time. We will do our best to prepare the delicacies for you. Get your stomach full so that you will have enough strength to walk all the way to the World of Extreme Happiness.
Oct. 5, 2008
Please keep the gold and silver ingots safe
Father, you may need some money on your journey to the World of Extreme Happiness. We will work hard to "mail" the money to you. Please keep it safe.
You were very generous to others but economized too much toward yourself. Now, father, don't worry about expense anymore. If you need to spend money, spend it.
We forgot to remind you to open doors when mailing the ingots to you yesterday, so you couldn't keep them safe. Last night, the whole family, including your cute grandchildren, said they want to establish an ingot company and produce many ingots, so that grandpa can enjoy them.
Do remember to keep safe the ingots made by the "ingot company." They are all yours. You cannot buy them anywhere else.
Oct. 6, 2008
The unbearable pain: The hoary-haired father said goodbye to his son
Today, grandpa was told his beloved eldest son had passed away. I heard grandpa cried very hard.
Although this is not the first time, the child that died this time is his beloved eldest son. Before father got sick, he always drove grandpa to famous temples in Ilan City to baibai [worship] and pray for the family's peace on Lunar New Year every year.
I hope grandpa will take care of himself and not be too sad. I will fulfill father's filial obligations to grandpa.
Oct. 9, 2008
The seventh day since father's death
Time flies. Seven days have passed. Father, how are you these seven days? According to tradition, family gathers on the seventh day after they lost a member. Today, the whole family gathered together, prepared the food you like, and recited Buddhist scriptures to bless you.
It's difficult to adjust from the shock seven days ago to where I am today — getting used to the loss. There are still many things to do, and we will do them well. Don't worry, father. Have peace on your journey to the World of Extreme Happiness.
Oct. 12, 2008
His love remains with us
I received an email from a cousin a few days ago. She told me she is listening to a Japanese song entitled, "A Thousand Winds." I felt this song depicts the feelings of our family very well. Here are the lyrics.
A Thousand Winds
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am in a thousand winds that blow
I am the softly falling snow
I am the gentle showers of rain
I am the fields of ripening grain
I am in the morning hush
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight
I am the starshine of the night
I am in the flowers that bloom
I am in a quiet room
I am in the birds that sing
I am in the each lovely thing
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there I do not die
Father has left us for a week. But just as the song says, he is now in a thousand winds, protecting his beloved family day and night and in all seasons.
I've been thinking about how to express how dearly we miss father in the funeral. Can you give us some inspiration, father?
Oct. 14, 2008
Birth, old age, sickness and death
For more than ten days, I have to go to the hospital mortuary in the morning and the evening daily. I saw different faces in the mortuary, but what happened there is always the same. It's like watching the scene where father just passed away repeated over and over.
Life is really fragile. We cannot predict when people will leave this world. There are things that cannot afford to be delayed, but we often say: "Wait for a while." "Wait for a while" often causes irredeemable regrets.
Before father fell sick, I often thought that I would make father's retirement life enjoyable when I've made enough money. After father's sickness, such thinking has changed slowly. I am not very rich, but I can think about what I can do for father.
Now father is in a thousand winds. I eat meals with him every morning and evening. This is my last chance to fulfill filial obligations to father.
Oct. 17, 2008
Working hard to play my role well
Yesterday was the 14th day since father passed away. We had invited Master Wu Cheng from Shandao Temple to recite Buddhist scriptures and transfer the merits to father.
During the break of the ritual, the master gave us some words of enlightenment. One thing he said impressed me deeply. He said if people ask him to recite the Diamond Sutra for the dead by himself, he would refuse to do so because he needs at lease two other people to recite the sutra with him. He said the Diamond Sutra is a difficult one and he was concerned that if he missed reading a single word, he would not be able to transfer the merits to the dead perfectly. Master Wu Cheng is so serious and responsible that our family was touched.
When I watched television this afternoon, the main news is that the founder of the Formosa Plastics Group Wang Yung-ching has died in New York. It reminds me of father's labor to build his own business. Father is a serious and meticulous person. He encountered quite a few obstacles in the process of establishing his business, but he worked hard and responsibly that he was able to overcome all the hardships. Even though his business is not as big as Wang's, he is as serious, responsible, diligent and thrifty as Wang.
I have to try hard to play my role well. This is the most important task for me at the moment. Only by doing so will I not fail father's expectations for me.
Oct. 26, 2008
I will miss father forever
I went to the hospital to say hi to father early in the morning. After that, I drove to Ilan to inspect father's "new home" where he will stay temporarily.
When I arrived in Ilan, uncle and auntie gave me great help in arranging father's things there. They also accompanied me to visit father's "new home." We reported to grandma that father will keep her company there soon.
After dinner, we visited grandpa in his house. When I saw grandpa, I gave him a big hug. My tears poured out and I said sorry to grandpa because I had not been able to visit him recently. Grandpa said it is ok.
Although grandpa said it is ok, his tears streamed down whenever father was mentioned. I was speechless and did not know how to comfort grandpa. He lost a lot of weight. I told him to rest, eat and sleep well.
I returned to Taipei in the evening to discuss some following matters regarding father, hoping the funeral in a few days' time will be carried out well.
Oct. 27, 2008
Sailing toward the Western World of Extreme Happiness
I have been busy these days to compile father's VCD memoir. I collected many documents related to father. Thanks to auntie for helping me find some precious photos.
Maybe father has been helping me. When I was troubled by not being able to find any documents about the Jieshun Marine Transport Corp. I happened to find a VCD that father's friend sent him two years ago. The VCD had a video clip that recorded the most glorious time of father's life — the commission of Pioneer, a ship owned by Jieshun. Father gave a speech at the ceremony. It was a moving scene.
Father's contribution to Taiwan's marine transport is widely recognized. Therefore, it is the theme in the VCD memoir I made for father. I hope to present it in the funeral.
Oct. 29, 2008
Three more days
Father's funeral is just three days away. As the day approaches, my heart gets heavier. I don't know why.
I know I shouldn't cry again, but I cannot control myself. Father already had a successful business when he was my age. What am I doing now?
It's time to get to work. I hope father's spirit in heaven will watch over us.
Oct. 31, 2008
Serving father for the last time
Today is the 28th day since father died. Tomorrow is the funeral. When we did the last rite for father, we recited the Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva Sutra. [* The family does the rites every seven days after the father's death.] After the ritual was completed, we prepared some vault money for father so that he can bring it to the Western World of Extreme Happiness.
We did a very special service for father and are thankful that Wonann Funeral Services offered it, which is called "cleansing the body." As father's children, we were able to serve father with our hands for the last time through the procedure.
This is the last time I can serve father in my life. When I held father's "frozen" hands and wiped them gently, my tears streamed down. I thought of the title of my daughter's composition for a recent school exam, which is "What can you do for your parents."
Truly, throughout our lives, we are mostly served by parents. Children have few opportunities to serve parents. Although I just did this simple "hand washing" act for father, this gesture involved all my thoughts about him — I will miss him without end. I want to, for the last time, fulfill my filial obligations to him.
I would like to thank the super professional service provided by the "body cleansing team" from Wonann. The service washed all worldly filth from father's body so that he can enjoy a comfortable journey to the Western World of Extreme Happiness.
After the body cleansing process, we clothed father with his favorite suit. Father still looked handsome and tall, and his face was peaceful. He always wanted to give people the best impression.
The funeral will start in less than 24 hours. We will cremate father's body. My heart is full of mixed feelings and I don't want to let father go.
Nov. 1, 2008
Goodbye for the last time
As usual, I said hi to father in the hospital early in the morning. What's different is that today is the last time that I ate breakfast with father. I bought the food father loved for him—bean milk, clay oven rolls and fried bread sticks. I stood in the mortuary and recited Buddhist scriptures slowly. My tears dropped down.
I shared this last breakfast with father. After this, our family and the masters escorted father's body from the hospital to the Taipei No. 2 Funeral Parlor. My wife, our eldest child and I cried all the way to the funeral parlor and kept reminding father to follow us closely.
When we arrived at the funeral parlor, some relatives and friends were already there waiting for us. The ritual started after we put on sackcloth.
Three masters led our family to recite the Amitabha Sutra for father. We tried very hard to hold back tears and managed to recite every verse. After the recitation, all family members circled the body three times. I looked at father's body and my tears poured down.
During all the rites since father's death, I have shed tears countless times. I kowtowed to father many times according to the instruction of the master of ceremony, but father will never come back again no matter how hard we call him. Goodbye forever, father. I hope you have a great and peaceful journey to the Western World of Extreme Happiness.
When the ritual is concluded, we played the VCD memoir entitled "Sailing toward the Western World of Extreme Happiness." The VCD presented many father's photos and the video clip that recorded the commissioning of Pioneer. The background music is "A Thousand winds." Many memories came back vividly.
I am grateful that Dharma sister Huang from Tzu Chi recited and prayed for father, whom she called "the Bodhisattva father." I also thank everyone who attended the funeral.
When father's body was carried to the cremation site, I cried out aloud: "Go quickly father! The fire is come!" I stared at father's body when it was sent into the incinerator and kowtowed three times. Father, now is the time that you become a god. Although your physical body is gone, your invisible spirit is in a thousand winds and will be with us always.
Nov. 2, 2008
Father, we are back to Ilan
Today, we brought father back to Ilan, his long missed homeland. Over the three years of his sickness, father kept saying he wanted to visit Ilan once more. Father, today we have brought you back to Ilan!
As almost half of the Taipei-Ilan Freeway consists of tunnels and bridges, I kept reminding father to follow us closely on the way. When our car was about to enter the Hsuehshan Tunnel, my heart was full of feelings. This is the first and last time that father came back to his homeland Ilan through the tunnel. I finally helped realize his hope to go home through the tunnel.
When we came out of the tunnel, the landmark of Ilan, the Turtle Island, was right in front of us. I reported to father: Look, the Turtle Island is there! We have arrived in your long missed homeland! I was slightly excited at the time. I checked time and found we had arrived earlier than expected, so I decided to bring father to visit Nanfang-ao. Father often drove us there when we were young. On the way there, I bought peanut candies for father because he loves it.
When we came back to downtown Ilan, we drove father through several streets and passed places where he often visited in the past. We arrived in father's new home at noon.
After offering simple worship to grandma, the land god and the mountain god, we placed the urn of father's ashes next to grandma's. We believe that with grandma's company, father will not feel lonely.
We had lunch with several relatives and visited grandpa to tell him everything has been settled. I asked him not to worry. When we were about to leave, grandpa kept asking us to "inspect" father frequently. I realized that a father's love for a son does not change no matter what happens.
The funeral is over. Now we should return to normal lives and work hard, so that father and mother will not worry about us.